Last Christmas

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year to save me from tears,
I'll give it someone special.

But i have no one special to give it to this year either. And I am still alone.

But I won't complain because I stuck to my principles, and shall have no regrets for the decisions I have made. I could've been your greatest ally, but all of you have taken me for granted and kicked me down at my lowest.

So, fuck you all. Have a Merry Christmas. :)

Growing Pains

This isn't what I expected.
I wish childish ambitions are attainable.
I wish love was like a faiytale.
Should I cast out useless sentiments and join the cold, unfeeling crowd?

Afraid

I'm afraid to fall.
This time its so real.
Given time I know I will.
I would be a fool to let this go.
But this fear is so petrifying.

What do I do now?

Tears

Girls have it easy. They cry, and someone will be there to comfort them.
Guys can't cry. No matter how painful it is, we have to keep it inside.
We have to suck it up. Be a man.
Because no one's going to comfort you.
Because no one knows how to.

Insomnia Revisited

I can't sleep. The sun will come up in another hour.

I remember the last time I had a case of insomnia this bad. It was one of my darkest days. Something bad happened. Then it played in my head over and over again for the whole night until the sun rose. There was no one I could talk to. Everyone either was asleep, or apathetic. My problems were merely petty and trivial.

If there is a hell, hell probably would've been this. Silent torment for hours and hours without being able to sleep.

But now, I just have plain bad insomnia. All is quiet, with not a bad emotion or thought. Just the emptiness of the night and a sudden remeniscence of the past.

Yau Char Kwai

"Carpe Diem". Something I find hard to live by. I am a person of near infinite patience. And this is not necessarily a good thing.

Just yesterday I was waiting to take-away some fried rice. It was a popular store so the wait was for about 5-10 minutes. In that span of time, I saw a little stall by the road side selling Yau Char Kwai (oil-fried devil). I was thinking that it has been awhile since I had some of the delicious crispy stick of flour, so I walked over the little stall but there was no one manning it.

I looked around but I see no indication of its owner nearby. I should ask the other store owners nearby where the YCK dude was but I was shy, so I decided to walk back to the fried rice store, without my fried delicacy. As I waited for my fried rice to be cooked, I was contemplating with myself if I should ask nearby owners if they could pack the YCK for me. (Yeah i really wanted some YCK!)

Then this fat dude walks over to the stall, and hollers at the stall next to the YCK stall pointing to it. The guy manning the stall walks over and decides to sell the YCK on behalf of the stall's owner. The owner then decides to show up (seemingly from nowhere) to take over the transaction, and gave the fat dude ALL the YCK. Then he packed up his stall into a van and prepared to leave. Apparently it was closing time and he just gave all the leftover YCK to the lucky fat dude.

I had a sense of jealousy and regret for about 5 seconds, but I have no one else to blame, except myself. I am a person of infinite patience. I am a person of infinite regrets.

Maturity, age, and gender dynamics

Women often complain that men that are about the same age as them are immature, and thus they prefer dating older men. I would like to offer another angle to this. Its not that men that are of the same age range as their female counterparts are immature. It just takes a very mature man to tolerate the childish whims and fancies of said woman.

A mature man would know when to back off, and be "the girl friend". i.e.: Tell them what they want to hear. Listen but don't speak. Just agree. Make them feel good. Let them win. No simple task for a man of younger age, who is genetically programmed to assert their authority and ego. With age comes tolerance and also the willingness to loosen up his principles and what he believes in for the one he loves. Because, age does this. Everyone is looking for the perfect mate to carry on their legacy. When you are younger, you tend to look for the perfect mate. The person who is your intellectual equal. The person with the good looks. The person who is gifted. As you grow older, reality hits you. Your standards drop. You settle for someone less than ideal. And thus, you become "mature".

My conclusion is, maturity is about tolerance and acceptance. With today's breakdown of social acceptance where people are less tolerant of each other's shortcomings, there's a growing trend of young men who date women of more mature age, who would appear to be easier to reason with and less whimsical in nature. That way there is less for the man to compromise with his principles and ego if they ever decide to date. It would seem that now the tables are turned for the women as men can no longer wait to "grow up" with the women of their same age range, and hence have resorted to looking for older women.

At the end of the day, neither gender nor age should be in the equation for maturity. Ideally both parties are equally matured. A relationship is about giving and taking after all.  Alternatively, someone has to be the more matured person and has to be the one that "gives in" often and NOT mind giving in. If none of the above can be attained, that's why break ups happen.