Reflections

I am losing "myself".
Who am "I"?
People around me, define "me".
Because I lack a self, I can only immitate others.

Most of the time, others don't like what they see in themselves.
Thus they do not like me.
So they stay away from me.
I am their ugly truth.

But what good is a mirror which has nothing to reflect?
I am losing "myself".
Because, I have lost everyone.

Identity

Try this.

Close your eyes and imagine every person you know; friends, family, lovers, aquaintances, colleagues, enemies. Imagine that they are each calling you by your name. Each person may call you by different names familiarly; your first name, your last name, your full name, your nickname, your callsign or maybe even a "Hey!" or  a "Yo!". Each person calls out to you uniquely and in their own voice. And in their own way. Its so unique that if they called you over the phone you'll know who they are. Imagine the hundreds of people you know calling out to you 1 after the other in their own unique way slowly culminating into incomprehensible noise akin to a crowded room.

Then imagine a sudden silence . A silence so intense that it deafens you.

Then imagine your face when you break the silence and reply everyone with a single word:

"Hey!"

You are smiling. You are you.

Black Keys

I hate black keys. I suck at them.
They're hard to reach with my small hands.
They're hard to read on the sheet.
My pitch isn't good enough to include them in my range.

The songs I want to convey, have black keys. Lots of them.
I love jazz but I can't play it because of black keys.
My song, my feelings, can never be fully expressed.
My song is incomplete. I am incomplete.

Wisp

I had always walked alone. I always got by groping around the dark. Finding my way. My own way.
Then you appeared, lighting my life. You showed me the world around me as you illuminated it with your sometimes blinding radiance.
You showed me that I didn't have to grope in the dark. That I didn't have to be alone. You showed me, your way.

Then just as quickly as you appeared, you vanished. My world was plunged back into darkness. But its different now. I am no longer happy groping around in the dark. I am no longer happy being alone. It is only torment to have tasted bliss, only to be forsaken from it, even for the slightest.
If I knew I had to endure times without your light, then I'd rather not have known your warmth at all. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant in the dark.

Yet you come and go as you please without a care in the world. Why should you? You are but a wisp, flickering nonchalantly in the darkness. Little do you know that you are my guiding light in this darkness. The only light I can depend on. And for now, you're gone.

-Knowledge is power,but ignorance is bliss. Thus knowledge exposes you to despair. -Me, circa 1999

Million

Inspired while walking on the rain-wet pavement to my car.

You are, my one in a million.
But I am merely your one out of a million.

ooooh. Try saying that the other way round, and it gets a different effect.

I am merely your one out of a million.
But you are, my one in a million.

Agape

Unconditional love. A love God dispenses so generously. Not as easily dispensed by Man. Its not that Man does not have the capacity for such love. Its because Man does not have the same capacity for pain and suffering that God has. To love unconditionally opens one's self to disappointment, anguish and pain.

If only Man felt no hurt or pain, agape would not be something so frequently preached.
If only Man felt no hurt or pain, there will be no use for churches.
If only Man felt no hurt or pain, there will be no need for them to seek salvation.

Pain is a necessary evil for Man to worship Him. And thus, agape is impossible for Man.

Man always has conditions. Even "loving" the almighty and doing his great work has one. Man does it to be saved. Saved from the suffering of eternal damnation.

Angels

Angels.
Celestial beings without much will of their own.
Born to do God's bidding and to take charge over His creations.
The most flawed of His creations, Man.

Man had the freedom of will.
Man was promised eternal life.
Man was given everything.
And then, Man sinned.
Man gained wisdom, which will result in their doom.
The Angels pitied their fate.

Yet Angels still have to protect and watch over them.
It is their very nature to do so  for they know not of any other way to exist.

To know without being known.
To support without being supported.
To provide protection without being protected.
To care without being cared for.
To love without being loved.

Inspired by those who have loved and lost

I was watching a Korean drama with someone last week and she told me that the "nice guy" gets dumped for the not so nice guy.

This week, I watched a Japanese movie called KoiSora (Sky of Love), where the girl, went back to the guy that treated her badly (despite for ulterior motives) and leaves the guy that did her no wrong and was nice to her throughout.

Does this reflect real life that "nice guys never win" ? That got me thinking that there really isn't a show, story or manga about the people who have lost in love. Guy gets girl, they lived happily ever after. But what about that other guy who lost? Usually they get forgotten after their job as a love triangle plot device in the drama is done. They would say "I love you , and to love you I have to let you go and be happy" or some similar corny line and that would be the end of their story.

But for everyone out there who has ever got the dreaded "We're just friends" line, the story isn't so conveniently over is it? Recovery is a hard and long process. Its definately not immediate. Some would even continue to love their object of unrequitted love for years or maybe never ever really getting over it even after marriage.

That said I am inspired to write a story/drama/script or whatever for all the "losers" out there. I'm sure there are alot of people who can relate to this story and it makes for a more touching and sad story compared to the usual story about the winners at love.

A Birthday Card From My Past

I found some old birthday cards and various cards from my younger days while clearing out my drawer. This one was from a very special friend and looking back, I haven't done much to earn the sincere friendships of others because of my cynical worldview. I was betrayed too often that I was blinded by people who actually cared. The card reveals that 10 years ago till today, I am still afraid of opening up to people due to my fear of disappointment with people in general.

This is how the letter goes and it shocks me because a letter from 10 years ago is able to apply to my life today. Perhaps this is because I haven't moved on from 10 years before.

# I realise that I always seem to write the same stuff every year in every birthday card I write. And so i'll try to write something different this year. 'Something different'. Haha, lame joke. :) I think I should pen down some words that have been keeping my mind occupied for quite some time now. As a friend who has known you for like .... 5 years now, I think I have the right to claim that I've known you long enough to understand you and figure out the kind of person that you are.

And eventhough for the past year I haven't been too much of a good friend that has been there for you, I still consider you one of the best friends that I have ever made. Even when you don't seem like one, or seem like you don't like being one I still respect you for the years of friendship you've given me. I think in all honesty and sincerity, that you are, deep down inside, a fully mature and a good respectable man. Somehow, your views of the world have clouded your judgement on how to run your life to what you may think, is the best you can do. I never would believe that constantly wanting to live by your own can make anyone remotely happy.

I worry when the only time you'd want to talk to me is through one of your so-called online diaries. I am friends with Shuuji, a person , who has more to say , more to tell and more than just a bunch of words in a diary. I don't receive any interaction that way and I don't expect that you learn anything about me from that either.

You are a person Shuuji, believe it or not, who's got skills, talents and abilities exclusive to your own, but other than that, you're just like everybody else. Please don't shun all the people who do give a damn about what happens to you.We care about you for a reason and that is because you are special in our hearts. I have more to say but i'm running out of space. Have a happy Birthday, Shuuji! Many happy returns of the day.

p/s: I realise that the gift this time is hardly close to the gift i made you last year...so, I apologise for that. It's still a gift that I thought you might not mind having.

Your buddy, chum, pal, comprande, gal-friend, and uh, soul sista.
LKBL
17th July 2002. #

Printed on the card:
# Happiest Birthday Wishes to a Very Special Friend

Of everything you say to me, "my friend" is always best.
Of everything you give to me, your time is always best.
Of everything you share with me, your smike is always best.....
Of everything that  can be "your friend" is always best.

Have a Happy Day and Year. #

Thank you L, your words still apply to me today and I hope I will still strive forward to find myself and how to fight on in this world which I have no aim for at the moment. I remembered you were studying in the US when this card was mailed to me, and in the next few years, I would get to know you got married to someone there and we lost contact eventually. I hope you're doing well there and have started a happy family. I have and will always be your friend despite all these years. :)

Reaching Out To You

It was a starless night, like any other night in this city. Not that its starless of course, but because the lights of the city often drown out the starlight. As they say the more lights in a city, the less lights in the sky. But I wasn't looking for stars. I was looking at the full moon, shining ever so brightly. Its crevices and imperfect surface shone with the rest of it. There was definately beauty in its imperfection.

It seems lonely in the sky, but technically its never alone is it? The stars are still there even if you can't see them. Even its bright glow is never its own, but a reflection from the sun which is providing its warmth on the other side of the world at the moment. A world apart, but they might as well be neighbours, compared to the vastness of the heavens. Feelings of solitude fill me up, as if suddenly envious at the realisation that the moon wasn't as lonely as I was.

I put my palm up to the sky while looking at the moon between my fingertips, and tried to reach out to it. I then clenched my fist and laughed at myself. Silly me. Of course I couldn't reach that. I'm not even a romantic to have such contemplations in the first place. I found the random musing amusing.

I then turned away and went back towards the artificial inviting glow of my home, away from the moon beams that were reaching out to me.

Exerpts from "The Memoirs Of Hair"

Published : Phases  vol 6 no 2 (year 2000)

Please pay no heed to the juvie ramblings of  the hormonally charged teen Shuuji was 10 years ago. Just thought i'd start off this blog with something that was published before. My new writing project will start in all honesty soon.

I am hair.

I grow from the skin of my insignificant host. Does he not know that hair will rule the world one day? Does he not know that we, the collective many, will make our hosts pay?

We are an ancient superior race. Though we are small, we have the ability to enshroud a human with hair and control his body. Our cousins have successfully controlled their hosts, the apes, turning them into mindless creatures.

But the humans are a hard bunch to conquer. They are vain and cut us down regularly. But we have grown wiser. Slowly but surely we have managed to establish colonies in most parts of our hosts and have been multiplying without much concern from stupid humans.

All humans are dumb except the females, who are armed with deadly weapons called tweezers and wax paper. With these weapons of mass destruction, they decapitate and massacre entire colonies. Women show no mercy and do not leave a single seedling alive. We lose colonies that take 13 years of development to even start growing.

Our colonies in the armpit and leg sectors never stood a chance against wax paper. I have often seen females with clear white skin....a sign of my people all massacred.

Now we wait for our campaign against humans to begin, and we will overpower them. Males have started to let us grow stronger and longer in the head sector. Females are growing weary, and some have stopped bothering us, leaving our colonies to flourish once more. As humans get lazier, we grow stronger by the numbers.

Our nose colonies once upon a time never quite had the chance to grow out of their underground caverns, but now , they too have not been bothered by the humans. Its only a matter of time before we take over the humans, then the world. Soon we will enshroud humanity, and they shall do out every bidding.

VIVA LA RESISTANCE!