Arrogance and Emptiness

I know this is arrogant of me to ask, but, hey. Am I really the best you've ever had? And maybe, the best you'll ever have? You once told me that I was. Would you look back and ask yourself in regret, why did you let me go?

I regret nothing.

When the pain is finally gone, only the memories of a happier time remain, and with that a feeling of emptiness ensues. I miss those times when I was filled. Filled so much that I could explode and leave this world happily.

I dream of a day when we can speak casually and go back to being friends. But for now, it doesn't seem to be possible as friends don't mistreat each other like this. I have finally accepted this.

May you find your own happiness. And me, mine.

Christmas again.

My happiness on Christmas doesn't seem to be part of what the Lord plans for me annually. There is always disappointment in one form or other.

Test after test I have tried to endure for this year but I'm almost at my breaking point. Grant me reprieve, if you are truly a merciful God. Amen.

Eventually

Here's a thought. Even slutty girls get married and will be happy with a nice guy eventually. Why should I care? This is silly.

Spoiled

I've grown far too reliant on the kindness of others. Its not fair to expect more from people who have their own lives. Time to get up, buck up, and man up.

Last Christmas

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year to save me from tears,
I'll give it someone special.

But i have no one special to give it to this year either. And I am still alone.

But I won't complain because I stuck to my principles, and shall have no regrets for the decisions I have made. I could've been your greatest ally, but all of you have taken me for granted and kicked me down at my lowest.

So, fuck you all. Have a Merry Christmas. :)

Growing Pains

This isn't what I expected.
I wish childish ambitions are attainable.
I wish love was like a faiytale.
Should I cast out useless sentiments and join the cold, unfeeling crowd?

Afraid

I'm afraid to fall.
This time its so real.
Given time I know I will.
I would be a fool to let this go.
But this fear is so petrifying.

What do I do now?

Tears

Girls have it easy. They cry, and someone will be there to comfort them.
Guys can't cry. No matter how painful it is, we have to keep it inside.
We have to suck it up. Be a man.
Because no one's going to comfort you.
Because no one knows how to.

Insomnia Revisited

I can't sleep. The sun will come up in another hour.

I remember the last time I had a case of insomnia this bad. It was one of my darkest days. Something bad happened. Then it played in my head over and over again for the whole night until the sun rose. There was no one I could talk to. Everyone either was asleep, or apathetic. My problems were merely petty and trivial.

If there is a hell, hell probably would've been this. Silent torment for hours and hours without being able to sleep.

But now, I just have plain bad insomnia. All is quiet, with not a bad emotion or thought. Just the emptiness of the night and a sudden remeniscence of the past.

Yau Char Kwai

"Carpe Diem". Something I find hard to live by. I am a person of near infinite patience. And this is not necessarily a good thing.

Just yesterday I was waiting to take-away some fried rice. It was a popular store so the wait was for about 5-10 minutes. In that span of time, I saw a little stall by the road side selling Yau Char Kwai (oil-fried devil). I was thinking that it has been awhile since I had some of the delicious crispy stick of flour, so I walked over the little stall but there was no one manning it.

I looked around but I see no indication of its owner nearby. I should ask the other store owners nearby where the YCK dude was but I was shy, so I decided to walk back to the fried rice store, without my fried delicacy. As I waited for my fried rice to be cooked, I was contemplating with myself if I should ask nearby owners if they could pack the YCK for me. (Yeah i really wanted some YCK!)

Then this fat dude walks over to the stall, and hollers at the stall next to the YCK stall pointing to it. The guy manning the stall walks over and decides to sell the YCK on behalf of the stall's owner. The owner then decides to show up (seemingly from nowhere) to take over the transaction, and gave the fat dude ALL the YCK. Then he packed up his stall into a van and prepared to leave. Apparently it was closing time and he just gave all the leftover YCK to the lucky fat dude.

I had a sense of jealousy and regret for about 5 seconds, but I have no one else to blame, except myself. I am a person of infinite patience. I am a person of infinite regrets.